To be sure, in this day is the age old problem of adult children who cut themselves off from their parents. Sometime out of problems from the past that involved physical or sexual abuse. But many times just because a parent makes mistakes in raising them, and just did not realize what they might be doing. And when cut off, they are left in the dark not knowing what happened. And now the child isn't speaking to them and have no desire to work things out with them.
We have two sons that we don't hear from anymore. In many ways, both them are good dads to their boys. Our oldest son has two boys and lives in another state. The middle son has three boys that lives about 30-35 minutes from us. Regretfully, we made many mistakes during their youth which carried on to their adulthood.
My own dad and brother had their times of distention even up until my brother's death when he passed away in his 50s. And one day some years before then, they had gotten into an argument. My dad had told him then that until he had sons of his own, he could not rightfully judge him. And it is true. I fear that at some point, some of these five children will grow up and want to throw their dads under the proverbial bus. Just like us who didn't know what we were doing, they are going that same route with their own.
Being under that bus is a sad, dark place to be. And it can be very painful under there for us. But realize that the reason your child has cut you off means they are in pain too.And by doing that, they do not know what else to do with their pain. They think by doing so, it will give them some relief. What it does really is just put a band-aid over it while deep down inside, it sometimes refuses to heal and may fester and robs us of a good relationship, and in many cases never heals. My sons probably do have reasons to which they feel justified for feeling the ways that they do. And perhaps in their own ways, as I look back over their youth, they had been trying to tell us how they were feeling but we were just not listening.
At the same time they are adults now and not every child who has problems arise from childhood, cut their parents off. So what can we do as mothers and fathers when we have this situation in our families. We do need to come out from under that bus and find ways to manage our pain and perhaps let our kids know we still love them.
Well, the first thing is to realize it can happen in the first place and as young parents try to avoid the mistakes of our own parents.Those sweet chubby faces will grow up one day to go their own way and they sometimes go a way that we had not anticipated. And so learning from Christian experts in child raising like Dr. James Dobson is an excellent resource which can help us during all stages of the lives of our children.. Check out his website at:Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk
Even so, parents will and do make mistakes. And so what do we do after it can become too late once they are on their own and we find ourselves in that stage of the game with them.
1) Recognize their strengths. If there was anything right that you taught them during their years growing up, it will show up in rasing their own kids, even if they aren't speaking to you now. If you get the chance, let them know you think they are doing a great job in areas that they are. Better yet, do that while they are speaking to you. Compliment them on the job they are doing with their own kids etc.
2) Recognize them as what they were and are, gifts to you from God and not only pray for them but also pray that God will restore your relationship with them.
3) Let them know that you still love and care for them during holidays and birthdays as well at other times. Perhaps sending cards in the mail even if you think they will tear them up with out reading them, will do something to their hearts to let them know you are thinking about them. Or sending them a text message occasionally. (But one word of caution, don't chase after them. Do acknowledge that they are adults. It is better that they don't feel smothered by our attempts to reconnect with them.)
4) Don't blame yourself, or put blame on him/her. It is usually some of both parent and adult child that can be blamed in a situation as this. But the fact is, if we want a healthy relationship, we should model not only forgiveness but awareness of our own part without playing blame games that do not do any more then push them away from us.
5) Getting support through church/prayer group can help. Sharing ideas with other parents going through the same situations may help in understanding how you and your child got to where you are now. Praying for each other is extremely beneficial.
6) Be thankful for your child/children. Sometimes we look at our jobs as mothers as just down right thankless. But according to Psalm 127:3, Children are an inheritance from the Lord, an offspring and reward from him.Keeping that in mind as they grow, keeps us mindful of how much God wants us to love and take care of them. In that respect, it can help us understand how much we need to have his help to do that even through those times we feel our job is more thankless then thankful. And hopefully as we try our best throughout their young years, maybe we can avoid some of the pitfalls that want that bus to run over us at a later time.
These are just a few of the things we can do when our adult child decide they want to go off the of grid of our lives. Truly, a mothers job is the hardest one there is. Not always the most fun. Not always do we feel we are up to its challenge. But guess what, for many it is a job he has given to us in some capacity. Whether as a foster mother, an adoptive mother or a mother by blood. And for those that do not have it in them to be the first two, and was not gifted with their own, sometimes finding a child that just needs a mentor or a big sister or needs perhaps someone that they can call 'grandmother' for a day now and then, may be the answer. However, God leads us in whatever he way he leads us, he is going to reward us by being available to be there for those he loves and has created. Or he may lead us in an entirely different way in our life. But as today's promise says, that Jesus adopts (ed) those of us that asks him into our lives, just as those parents that have been adopted by people that are not their bio parents, and he does so for his own good pleasure. It just goes to show, that no matter who we are, who we come from, or where we come from-we are all in need of someone that loves us. To have someone on earth here to love us, but also we are in need of a spiritual father in heaven.
May 14, 2019 Promise: In having predestined us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself. according to the good pleasure of his will. Ephesians 1:5
Hi Friends. Thanks for coming today. May you have a wonderfully blessed day!
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